"The Fire Baby, It'll Burn Us Both"

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 01:03:34 GMT

first day of classes today. i got seven hours of sleep last night, which was hardly enough to operate properly. i had two classes today and have decided that, for the first time ever, i truly am in love with my schedule. i have nine frees during the week. oh yeah. tomorrow is one of my toughest days, in fact. i have three classes. heh heh. stick that in your pipe and smoke it! (what a cliche, but still pretty awesome, line.)

oh, and then there's the fact that i found out i got an A in chorus last semester. this may not sound like much, but for me, it is quite a feat. i think keith has finally stopped hating me. woohoo!

fuckkkkkk

Sun, 04 Dec 2005 23:39:39 GMT

my chapels on friday. god damn. i couldnt possibly be more nervous if i tried. i hate huge groups of people. HATE them. and even moreso, i hate speaking in front of them.

on the bright(er) side, i spiffed up my room a bit with a 6.5' fake christmas tree. which i got for the whopping price of $15, because the guy at ace hardware was incredibly generous. i think he mustve been a christmas elf in the disguise of a 20 year old store clerk.

i cant wait for this week to end.

Thu, 17 Nov 2005 02:29:39 GMT

early app is in as of two days ago. i stayed up until 2AM rewriting my essay from scratch the night before it was due, (even though i had a final draft of anothe essay which i wrote weeks before). i wrote about the time smanzerella accused me of "falling into the Fox News wormhole and coming out a genocide lover". hopefully my essay will make some sort of impression. what kind, i don't really know, but hopefully something positive.

vladimir died a little over a week ago, and so i got a new fish for brett this weekend. he/she doesnt have a name yet, but im still rooting for Hermione. originally she was Xenia, but then it was going to be Natalya or Tatiana (neither of which are very fishy). we'll see. any suggestions of fish names? preferably russian fish names? vladimir sort of started the trend. (vladimir nabokov, lolita....yeah, i was reading it when we got vladimir and thus he got his name)

i had a dream that i had a ton of pets. including mice. you know those orangeish grub-like worms (meal worms?) that you buy at fishing stores as bait? in my dream an exceptionally large one of those ate one of my mice. i was quite horrified.

yep, bout time to write that science paper.

i cant wait til college

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 01:28:13 GMT

the past four days have been so excellent...friday night i caught my bus to NH where i confronted the wannabe-loose tulane chick and said everything i had dreamed of saying to her, hopefully finally getting the message across that whats mine is mine; saturday, i woke up early, drove back over to dartmouth and got breakfast with brett; we hung out that afternoon, went to the nines for dinner, returned to campus, hung out, then ambled over to one of the other dorms where (by now it was like 11:30) we joined about a dozen kids taking shots. i was an observer only, (i thought that i was going to be driving home that night), but it absolutely made my night when they were all make toasts and one guy shouted out "to jack kerouac!" and was met with a "here here!" it was at that moment that i was like, fuck, this is the kind of school i want to be at. it started to rain and aunt b didnt want me driving in bad conditions, so i stayed over and went to a couple frats (including one which had a 70's dance party going on). i met some kids, (one who apparently used to date anna mconnell), ran into andrew gates in the basement of one of the frats, got soaking wet standing in the rain waiting in line to get in to another frat, and basically had an excellent night. sunday morning i woke up in the arms of mi amante. ahhh that alone made my weekend. today, a slightly different type of joy, but i got my SAT scores. who improved her score by 130 points? yes, that would be me. ive almost fooled myself into thinking that this means perhaps those reaches are slightly less reachy now, but im sure my dreams will be shattered as soon as i have my next college counseling meeting. grumble grumble. now im back to reality and its about time for another (slight) crunch period. woohoo. until next weekend...halloween....mmmm....

Fri, 14 Oct 2005 00:52:17 GMT

some thoughts ive had lately...

you know hollywood is a great big whore when they lift music from a unique, indie film like Groove and put it in the closing credits of Mean Girls.

slippers are the best shoes.

you know that a girl is a whore when you think youre just friends, but then you come back to your room finding her half naked between your sheets. oh, right, and she announces that she masturbated while you were away. and then asks if you want to have sex.

you know that said girl is not only a whore, but an unskilled one when the boy who she tries to seduce in said fashion turns her down.

you know that said girl is fucked when she meets territorial girlfriend of said boy.

pop music today has completely lost its quality. of course, the definition of pop is that its supposed to suck. but there are only two shitty songs that they play on the radio now that i enjoy hearing. sad, very very, sad.

cutting your own hair is a very meditative and relaxing practice.

smoking is an effective icebreaker for making friends, even at Harvard.

you know youre a little more than slightly nymphomaniacal when you rent a hotel room for a day trip.

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 23:12:28 GMT

i hate decisions. meh.

!!Caution!! !EMO AHEAD!

Mon, 03 Oct 2005 21:47:39 GMT

why the hell do i have to be so fucking emotional. i try so hard to be tough and to shut things out, and it usually works. but then the one person who gets under my skin shifts his course, and i flip out. i push and i pull, and i try to make things harder to make them easier, and i convince myself of one thing so that i can numb the pain, then of another so that i can get the pain over with. and all the while, im waiting in uncertainty of what our fate will be. its hard trying to fit myself into the "friend" mould. it creates a category of Subjects Which Can No Longer Be Broached.

when my aunt tells me that my list of colleges suck and my mom repeatedly calls me to tell me that Tufts is the PERFECT school for me, (regardless of the fact that ive told her tufts it too rigid, close to home, and, oh, right, it doesnt have photography--not that she would recognize that as problematic or anything), and dad STILL doesnt call me back, it doesn't help matters.

i miss the time when i was content with where i was. now the seed has been planted, and im positively itching to get out of CA and out of my "underage" status. i want to be through with blue slips and white slips and pink slips and intimacy violations and tobacco restrictions and probabtion and parietals and "parental permission." i want to be able to drive my truck when i feel like it and go on roadtrips to visit people and not have to pay ridiculous bus fares when it would be cheaper to drive myself there. i dont want to have to call a houseparent to tell them when i change my plans, and i dont want to have to leave someone im visiting with because it's 11:20, it'll take 40 minutes to get back to aunt b's house in VT and im not legally allowed to drive past midnight. when i explain the college situation (no money=shitty school for me, chosen by my mother) to adults at CA, their first question is: "when do you turn 18?" right.

i hope that in may everything will click together. even if i myself am a mess, at least ill be an independent mess. mom's not paying for college, so i wont have to answer to her anymore; dads not speaking to me, so he's a moot point; ill be able to see friends unhassled by paperwork and bus schedules; and the only other large piece of my life right now might be gone by then anyway.

Tue, 27 Sep 2005 01:15:54 GMT

new hampshire and vermont this weekend. thank GOD. i called mom today to reconfirm and her response was, "but jenny, why would you want to go this weekend when you're already going the weekend of the 8th?" i replied, "um...because you forbade me to go the weekend of the 8th. remember?" but alas, she didn't remember any of our conversation from the previous night. the important thing is that i reconvinced her to let me go this weekend. woohoo.

smells like...boarding life

Sun, 25 Sep 2005 15:33:12 GMT

friday night was furvis. they were alright--nothing to write home about, but certainly not lacking talent. after the show the drummer invited three of us to smoke up with the band. if only i weren't already on probation.

we stopped at cumbies, grumbling at our bad luck, then went to emerson to chill. just to chill. of course, we didn't have time to get bored because trouble found us soon enough. a rather tall fellow entered emerson by the tennis courts and walked briskly and purposefully toward us. he held out his hand and asked for names. when it came to be my turn, i glared at him and said "is it really any of your business? and who the hell are you?" he replied, without missing a beat, "i'm ben and i'm trashed." i shook his hand and told him my name. he announced to us that he had just punched some guy in the face and that five of the guys friends were now off fetching baseball bats to come kick the shit out of him. then he explained how this was okay because he knew brazilian jiu-jitsu(oxymoron....?) after this he spent some time bragging about all the friends he had in the CIA. right.

our conversation went from the CIA to the president to the war. being from texas, dear ben defended bush like they were brothers. out of the three of us talking with him there, one in particular unleashed her tongue upon him and held nothing back in her lashings. at one point he remarked, "wow, this is gonna sober me up quickly..."

as the debate wore on, the third of our party's attention began to wander. thank god. quietly, she peeped, "boys with baseball bats." we turned our heads. sure enough, there stood not five, but at least a dozen boys armed with blunt objects. one of the beefy looking men yelled out to ben, "what now, bitch?" they were spread out, staggered even, and had snuck up on us with surprising success. poor ben didnt really know what to do, but the three of us booked it like no other. we walked briskly through them, and broke into sprints. these guys were clearly serious, and seriously drunk.

after running for maybe ten seconds, (it felt like much more than that) i heard heavily pounding footsteps behind me and one of the guys yelled out, "get them! run them down!" i nearly choked when i heard this, and the first thoughts to run through my head were, huh, if these assholes are going to try to catch us and kick the shit out of us too, do i want to be running and have them tackle me from behind, or do i want to have my footing? i yelled to the others to stop, and as i did so i turned to face the oncoming group. about three quarters of them were chasing us, and i suspect the other quarter was in pursuit of judizu ben. sure enough, the guys ran right by me--didn't even stop to give me a second look. i felt their air rush by me and i heard one of them grumble to one of my trio, "hey...hey, that guy punched my friend in the face! shit...i need a cigarette..."

so, moral of the story, running will only attract the attention of the beefy, drunk football players. it must be some deep-seeded instinct to chase what flees. the three of us looped back around to the tennis court entry of emerson and walked back up by the train tracks. there was a shopping cart incident ending with someone being flipped onto the sidewalk (quite funny, but you really had to be there), and our excusion ended with a final sighting of jiu-jitsu ben sprinting down the road, with two angry looking football players in pursuit. its exhilarating nights like that (with, of course, the exception of the disappointment earlier in the evening,) that make it okay to be a boarder.

a weekend without sleep...this feels all too normal...

Thu, 22 Sep 2005 01:16:14 GMT

long week. longer weekend. friday night i got japanese food with kenny and then went to the 40 year old virigin. it was definitely better than i thought it would be, but didn't top the wedding crashers.... we saw eleanor austin and jay tucker at dinner. that was strange. especially when jay got really excited upon seeing kenny and greeted him like a long lost brother.

saturday morning kenny drove me to RI where he would meet up with erica and i was supposed to find mom for a tour of brown at 10 AM. she was late, of course. honestly i hadnt really expected her to show up at all, so when she arrived 10 minutes after the tour began, i was pleasantly surprised. after brown mom and i drove to connecticut to see conn college. i felt like i was back at CA...the tour guide even spoke about their "honor code" (aka common trust, eh)

saturday night was when the fun began. i took a train to NY and met jack at penn station. outside the station i promptly had a cigarette and dialed my voicemail to check my messages. as i was doing this, a homeless man walked up to jack and asked very politely, "excuse me, sir, but may i ask your wife for a cigarette?" jack didn't reply, just waved me over. as i walked over i heard the man explaining to jack, "you know, i just have to ask the husband before approaching the wife, i didn't want to insult you..." i stared at the man and said in a monotone "well actually we're brother and sister. all i have are cloves, do you mind?" he accepted the clove and said, again to jack, "well, i'll tell you one thing, if i had a lady like that i would never let her go..." at this i started to laugh. DUDE i JUST told you that we're brother and sister! albeit, it was a complete lie, but still. what if we really were brother and sister? thats incredibly awkward for all parties to make a comment like that.

jack and i saw a movie, then i hung out with my cousin and some random kids at some random guys apartment. i spent the night at barnard with an old CA gal and woke up the next morning to meet jack again. we went to chinatown where we found kim and then went on to harlem to see a parade and wander around some more. sunday night i went to a benefit concert for hurricane katrina at irving plaza. it was a very unusual (but nice) time. my favorite odd moment of the night was when one of the classic rockers came off stage and joined everyone in the vip section; he promptly began making out with his wife with the vigor of a 17 year old boy. right in the middle of everyone. this was about six feet from where i was standing, so i poked sarah and nodded towards them and asked, "are they always like that?" she nodded. i glanced back over at them, and as they came up for air the wife saw sarah and i looking in their direction. she then introduced herself to me (she already knew sarah) and commented on the fact that we looked as though we could be sisters. i also met the husband rocker, who was a really cool guy. oh, and one of the guys from R.E.M. was also there, standing a mere ten feet from me. pretty cool.

monday i saw nyu and barnard, both of which i loved. lets see how things go applying to them :-/

and one last note, on sunday while kim and i were walking through harlem an old man called us "snowbunnies". for whatever reason, this made my day.

it's only tuesday.

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 01:09:57 GMT

I fell asleep last night with a stuffy nose and woke up with a cold. theres some insight for you.